


Fake It

by Insane_Angel, UserIsMe



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Phanfiction, Sad Phil Lester, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-23 00:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10708482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insane_Angel/pseuds/Insane_Angel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UserIsMe/pseuds/UserIsMe
Summary: A phanfiction in which Phil is starting to develop an eating disorder and Dan does not understand while he is going through some trouble himself; his existential crisis.It's a collab with She Who Must Not Be NamedTriggerwarning: anorexia, swearing, possible (attempted) suicide and self harm? There will be individual trigger warnings if anything else except from bad thoughts and eating disorder happens.





	1. Chapter 1

Phil walks into the living room after an unsuccessful trip to the kitchen: "Dan! Where did you leave your cereal?"

Dan looks up from his laptop and answers: "I ate it Phil. Like normal people do?" Right after this, he sinks back into the sofa crease and continues being horrified by his TumblrTag. It's not his problem that there's no cereal for Phil to steal. Phil looks at him with dissapointed puppy eyes.

"So... you didn't buy new cereal to replace it?" Dan stays silent in exasperation for a few seconds. Of course he didn't put the effort into having to go outsíde just to get himself some breakfast cereal. He did think the kind he always bought tasted the best, but there's nothing wrong with Phil's favorite. Added to that, he needs to get back at his friend in some way for the ridiculous amounts of his cereal he 'secretly' eats. And because of his lack of creativity, naturally he just did the exact same thing.

"No, I just stole yours."

Phil starts to turn around and screams frustrated: "That's my thing!" Dan sighs, and is once again distracted from Tumblr.

"Why don't you go buy some? Then you can secretly eat my cereal at 5 am again."

Phil fakes a surprised expression. "I would never do that!" Dan rolls his eyes at Phil's sad, hopeless pretense of innocence. "But... I guess it's a good idea." Having said that, Phil goes and grabs the keys and walks out the door. Dan shrugs.

"Okay, bye." he says, even though his friend has already left. At that, he decides Phil can handle getting him cereal for no apparent reason on his own, and turns his attention back to the screen.

    Δ    

It's a chilly and rainy October day. Phil snuggles into his scarf, while humming along to a song as he walks to the closest shop. A high girl's voice screeches across the street, Phil turns around and as expected there is a teenage girl staring at him in awe.

"Oh my god!" she squeaks, "you're Phil Lester right!? I love your videos!"

"The one and only!" Phil raises his arms to give the girl a hug. She runs to him and wraps her arms around Phil's body. She keeps hugging him until she realises how awkward she is being.

"Oh.. I'm sorry for being so weird! Could you please sign my backpack?" He notices that the girl is wearing a galaxy backpack, one of their merch items.

"Of course! Here you go... Well I'll see you on the internet again. Bye!"

"Bye Phil! And say hi from me to Dan. Oh and not trying to be rude, but haven't you become a bit chubby lately?" Phil's smile is swept of his face.

"S-sorry?" "Oh, never mind. Goodbye." The girl walks away and Phil is left on the pavement wondering if the girl was right. _Maybe I am fat... I mean, I eat way too much._ Phil tries to carefully feel his stomach. _It's huge. I should really start losing weight._ His thoughts surprise him, he never cared about his weight in his life before. Of course there were always comments about it on YouTube, but those are just comments. Right?

    Δ    

Stuffing another malteser into his mouth with his left hand, Dan slowly drags one of the fingers of his other hand across the trackpad of his laptop. He contemplates moving to the table so he can use a mouse, but decides against it. Nothing better than the sofa crease. When the pointer finally reaches the link to recommended blogs, he clicks. A long list of not only Dan and Phil-related things, but also llama-blogs pops up. He starts scrolling down, looking for something that catches his eye.

Just a few seconds later, he finds something that does. He spots a blog represented by a picture of him and Phil, dying. That would be horrifying, except it's such bad photoshop, he can't help but find it hilarious. Clicking it, the entire blog turns out to exist solely for some person's shitty photoshop edits. They apparently hate him and Phil so much, they couldn't just ignore them, no, it was necessary to photoshop his face onto whatever they thought would be offensive. There's him as a plush unicorn, an elephant, a rock, and there's Phil as a tennis racket, an orange, and a coat hanger. He would just stop looking at the bullshit, but it's so stupid it's funny. When he scrolls further downwards, he almost spits out a malteser at the sight of... are those him and phil as a cucumber and a washing machine? Well if that doesn't prove that tumblr is full a very creative, but also mentally weird people, he doesn't know what does.

    Δ    

Phil enters the shop, it's just a tad warmer than it was outside. He walks to the breakfast department but can't help being distracted by all the sweets and crisps. He decides to bring some maltesers for Dan as well, he can never have too many. Unlike Phil. He turns the package around, wondering how fat it would make him. When he sees the numbers he is horrified. _So much... I can never eat them again. How many would my cereal have?_ His thoughts continue to judge him as he puts the bag down and makes his way over to the cereal. He grabs several boxes and inspects the backside. Hundreds and hundreds of calories in the form of cereal boxes are looking at him judgementally. He feels his hands sweating and quickly wipes them off on his jeans. _I need to grab Dan's and get a new one for me. But Dan would notice..._ Phil decides to grab the one with the lowest amount of fat. He'd make up some sort of excuse, if Dan even mentions it.

The boy walks over to the cashier and hands her the 2 boxes, she looks at the boxes and then at him in surprise, "It's 6 pounds sir." _See! She also thinks you should lose weight! I bet she is wondering how someone can still be so fat while eating so little calories. You're disgusting..._

Phil closes his eyes "shut up..." the girl looks up at him confused: "excuse me sir?" Phil mentally scowles at himself, "nothing miss, here you go." He hands her the money while blushing fiercely.

On his way back home his mind keeps punishing him for his awkward encounter. He has experienced depressing thoughts before but they never were so strong. Lost in his own mind he bumps into a guy. "Sorry." Phil says softly, "no problem." Answers the guy "Just watch where you're going next time." Phil only now looks up, _he is so pretty... So thin. I want to be like that._ Phil continues his walk but his brain keeps telling him things about his weight. When he opens the door and sees Dan on the couch just stuffing food in his mouth, he can't help but feeling sad, sad that Dan is perfect and doesn't have to do a thing for it and he... He is just fat and ugly.

When Phil opens the door, Dan only glances up from his screen for a moment before looking back down. "Hey Phil, you got the cereal? Great. Have you seen this blog? They photoshopped you onto an orange."

Phil walks over to the sofa, he is horrified by the image. _Well, they didn't have to do that much. You're fat anyway._ Phil plasters a smile on his face, like his mind didn't sneer at him.

"I think I look way better this way, don't you agree?" Dan says, while scrolling to the picture of him as an elephant.

_He is still thinner than you, you're humongous._ Phil flinches at this thought.

Completely oblivious to the thoughts going through the head of his friend, Dan clicks away from the blog. Even for him, there's a maximum of bad edits he can stand in a day. "So, you going to put that away?" he asks, looking at the cereal, "Or do you need my help?"

Phil's head jerks up, "hm? Oh right, no I'll manage." Phil is frightened by the idea of Dan finding out his choice in cereal.

"Have fun" Dan says jokingly, as he opens youtube. _Maybe I should record something_ , he thinks, when he sees how many videos people have uploaded recently. _Nahh, too much effort._

Phil walks over to the kitchen, he starts putting the boxes away and after that makes himself a cup of tea. "Dan!" he yells "do you want tea as well?" _Tea doesn't have any calories. It's okay._

Not really having listened, Dan absentmindedly responds: "Sure."

Over a cup of tea Phil suggest that Dan should make a new video. Dan agrees that he should, but doesn't take any action in actually doing it.

_"_ Well... I'm going to make one and you're helping me." Phil grabs the other boy's wrist and drags Dan with him.

"Sure, whatever, but I'm taking these with me." Dan says, pulling his arm out of Phil's grasp and snatching the few maltesers still left from how many he'd already eaten that day of of the sofa.

Rolling his eyes Phil grabs his camera and tripod. "It's time for Phil is not on fire 8..." he says attempting to sound masculine. "Grab that sharpie!"

"Phil, you are an adult and perfectly capable of grabbing the sharpie yourself." Dan answers, being his lazy, annoying self.

The other one sighs and reaches out to his bed drawer. "Got it!" he chirps.

"Phil." Dan starts, "Are you telling me you have a sharpie in your _bedroom_." He sighs dramatically, but in reality he really should have expected that.

Wiggling his eyebrows in an attempt to look sexy he answers: "You never know when you need it."

Dan puts up his one hand between him and his friend, facepalming with the other. "Please tell me you didn't just say that."

"I'm sorry!" Phil squeaks, immediately being horrified by his reaction. "I wasn't thinking!"

Dan sighs as he sees Phil react so dramatically. "Let's just get started, shall we?"


	2. Chapter 2

After the video, Dan collapses on the sofa crease, not bothering to get the cat whiskers of of his face.

"Dan! We need to film a video for our own channels as well." Phil screams from his room while adjusting the lights.

"I will, some day." Dan answers, but there's no way Phil can hear him through the apartment. Sighing, he stands up and walks into his room. _Do nothing, or make a video about him not doing anything, what's the difference._

Phil decides to check what Dan's doing and walks in on him setting up his equipment. "Good job! I'm so proud of you." He says while ruffling Dan's hair leaving him frustrated.

"Don't do that!" Dan says, looking at Phil behind him and pausing everything he had been doing immediately.

While laughing Phil walks back to his room, "you might want to check your hair first!"

Sighing, Dan combs his hands through his hair, before giving up on it. Slowly, he finishes getting everything ready for his video, only to realise he hasn't got the slightest idea of what to do. He reaches for his laptop, to have a look at his file filled with future video ideas, but suddenly, he stops. All the ideas in that file are complicated sketches: way too much effort. He could just as well make a reading-hate-comments-video. _It can't be worse than those weird photoshop edits he came across earlier, right?_

Scrolling down to the comments of the monster pops baking video, he start searching. It isn't very long before he finds the first mean comment:

**These to idiots are stpd and faggts. Everyone that liks thm is wierd.**

Dan can't help but laugh at the spelling errors and turns on the camera, to attempt to read it out loud. After a few tries, he manages to do so without laughing or cringing too much.

"Well, my dear 'Minecraftisawesome19362', let me tell you that I don't care about what you think about me at all. About Phil..." he pauses, creating a dramatic tension, "You're kinda right. He is an idiot. Eating all of our bloody white chocolate." he says, jokingly agreeing to this random person.

The next comment isn't much better. **Phil, if you don't stop eating all the baking supplies, you'll soon be so fat you can't even get ínto the kitchen!**

"Well, at least this 'Laralovesbeauty' person knows grammar." Dan starts, giving the camera an exasperated look. "Guess that means that they're telling the truth, right?" he asks, trying to look as convinced as possible. After three seconds, he gives up.

"Okay, next comment!"

**U gays are wurthless end u shuld get out of ma lif. I HATE U!**

"Such nice people, here on the internet." Dan says, after an unhealthy amount of cringe attacks. "You guys are awesome but just, can we applaud for 'PokemonGo-tuber629'? I think he deserves it, this is an excellent point and I have nothing to bring in against it. But, ehh, ever thought about just not looking at our videos?"

This goes on for some time, Dan suffering from many, many cringe attacks while jokingly agreeing to everything the haters say about Phil. Finally, after about fifteen more worthless comments, he decides he simply can't handle the stupidity anymore. _One more cringe-worthy comment is going to be the death of me_ , he thinks, reaching to start putting his equipment away. _Wait, did I forget to-_ He sighs. He forgot the intro. _Fuck_.

    Δ

Phil is thinking about what kind of video when he heard laughter erupt from across the hallway. It was Dan, the sound made a small smile appear on Phil's face. He really couldn't imagine living without that dork. After a while he gives up trying to force his mind into thinking of an idea and decides to check the comments for requests for certain video's. Marvelling at the intelligence and humour of his Phillions as he scrolls down until the first hate comment pops up:

**Please kill yourself... You're video's are worthless just like you. Fat fag•gots don't deserve to live.**

On an average day Phi  
l would ignore this and keep scrolling, but this isn't an average day. _They are right._ A voice at the back of his mind says: _you disgusting faggot... stop eating. Stop making video's. Just stop living! No one wants you, you're nothing._ His eyes slowly begin to water as he scrolls further down and reading the next comment:

**Omfg... why hasn't he figured out that NO ONE LIKES HIM! Pigs need to kill themselves.**

Phil feels his fingers starting to tremble as he slowly continues reading the awful comments. Should he respond? No... He wouldn't know what to say. Even though his Phillions respond to the haters viciously and bury them in comments about how they dare to say something like that, Phil can't help but wonder if they are just doing this to make him feel better, like they pity him. Whilst he is slowly drowning in his negative thoughts he jumps up at the sound of his door opening. Dan is looking at him annoyed. "Really Phil? I called like a 100 times to make you come to the kitchen. Are you deaf?" The sad boy flinches at his friend's loud voice. "Sorry Dan... it won't happen again. I promise!"

A normal person would accept Phil's apology, and would have gone to the kitchen. Dan, however, is not a normal person. Impatiently, he enters Phil's room.

"Hurry, Phil, I'm hungry."

"Just... go ahead! I'll be there in a couple of minutes." Phil says, still not turning around.

"Sure, whatever." Dan decides not to wait any longer and goes to walk away. "Just try to not make those 'few minutes' last an hour."

Phil turns back to his laptop with a sigh. With his thoughts still screaming at him he decides to follow Dan to the kitchen and try to avoid dinner.

"Yes, so that's for me. For my friend a large pepperoni, please." Dan felt too lazy to cook dinner, so he decided to simply order some pizza. He sees Phil walking into the with a terrified expression.

_Oh no. Oh no... not pizza. I can't eat that_! Phil is freaking out and not just a tiny bit. He feels his breath coming in short bursts and his chest clenching.

"You don't feel like pepperoni? Oh, okay." Dan quickly cancels the pizza, and hands Phil the phone. A surprised expression appears on his face, as he notices how panicky his friend looks. "Phil, are you okay? It's just pizza." Dan's probably just imagining things.

"I'm fine." _He isn't._ "It's okay." _It's not._ "I'm not hungry." _He actually is._ "I'm just gonna go back to my room, I need some alone time." _Please help me. I can't be alone right now._

"Sure, do whatever." _Why would Phil not want pizza? Even if he isn't hungry, he never turns up his nose for that wonderful meal. Is he maybe ill, or feeling nauseous or something of the like?_ "But really, are you okay? You're not getting sick, are you?"

"Bloody hell Dan! I'm fine! Leave me alone and stop being so nosy. It's none of your business." Phil snaps at Dan.

"Woah- okay, fine, I get it. I'll just finish ordering my pizza, and you can go to your room, I don't know. You're overestimating." Turning his back on his friend, he cancels the second pizza. "Fifteen minutes? Okay, thanks."

While Dan's talking, Phil exits the kitchen and tears silently start falling down. _Really Phil? You're such an idiot for snapping at Dan, he is literally your only friend_! The frustration that he has been bottling up since the meeting with the stupid phangirl finally comes out in an explosion. He slams the kitchen door and stomps through the hallway to his bedroom. When he slams that door shut as well he slowly sinks down with his back against the door.

_What did I do..._ Phil feels his breathing speeding up. _No, no, no!_ He is having a full on panic attack. He quickly gets up and starts pacing around his room in an attempt to calm down. While he is trying to suck in air his vision starts to fade. _I should tell Dan about my thoughts, that I'm getting bad._ As soon as these words have been formed inside his head there is the other voice; screaming that everything would be okay as long as he loses some weight, is skinny and pretty. _Shut up... Go away!_ "Go away! I hate you! I hate you... I hate it all. I just..." Left alone in the dark and unable to breath, he eventually blacks out and blacks out while leaning against his door.

Finally the thoughts have stopped.

Δ

After having finished ordering the pizza, Dan starts scrolling through tumblr as he waits. He, however, is quickly distracted as he comes across another blog filled with bad photoshop. His thoughts flit back to Phil, who had so suddenly left. _Did I do something that set him off? I must have._

He wonders if he should go to his friend's room and apologize for whatever it is he's done. _That would be so weird though... How would it look, if I just came in and said 'Hey Phil, I don't know what I did, but please forgive me anyways!'_

_Is me being embarrassed more important than Phil maybe being mad at me?_ Dan doesn't know. Finally, it's the doorbell ringing that makes the decision for him, and he pays for his pizza and takes it inside. _Table or sofa crease.._ That choice is much easier made than the one the pizza delayed. _Sofa crease it is._

Opening the cardboard box, Dan takes a moment to revel in the greatness of the pizza. Not too long of a moment, though, he's hungry dammit. Just when he's about to start shoving the whole slice of pizza into his mouth, he hears the sound of vague words, followed something heavy hitting the ground.

"Phil?" No reaction, obviously. There is no way he could have heard Dan all the way from the sofa crease when he's in his bedroom. Putting the slice of pizza, that had been awkwardly hovering somewhere between the box and his mouth, back with the rest, Dan stands up and walks over to the hallway. "Phil?" he asks again, but there still is no reaction.

_Maybe he just went to bed early, and that's what I heard. But- if so, I should have heard Phil entering the bathroom. Maybe I should just... see if he's okay. If he wants me gone, I'll leave, but it can't hurt to just look, right?_

Dan tries to open the door slightly ajar, but an unexpected weight makes it open widely instead. Jumping backwards, a sudden... something falls into the hallway. Letting out an embarrassingly girly shriek, Dan tries to close the door again, but to no avail: the object is blocking the doorway. Only then, he realises what it is.

On the threshold between Phil's room and the hallway, lays a passed out Phil.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there we go- another chapter. By me. Who was just told that this fanfic exist on this website. What a time to be alive XD  
> Hope you enjoy~  
> -UserIsMe
> 
> TW: suicidal thought at the end  
> also cringe attacks caused by awkwardness :0

Phil’s scared to say the least. He hears Dan calling for him  but there is nothing he can do. He just lays there, unable to move, to speak or to even see anything. Next thing he knows, he hears footsteps approaching his door, Phil recognises them as Dan’s. Then he feels the solid door getting removed from his back and thanks to the useless state his body is in, he tumbles backwards. A splitting headache erupts from where he hit the floor. At that moment he curses his anxiety, if only he could just open his eyes and function like a normal human being. _Why do I have to be stupid? Why can’t I do something right for once…_ A loud shriek pulls him back in the present.

“Phil? Are you okay?” Dan notes that his voice sounds more worried than he thought it would. “What even was in that pizza…” he murmurs, even though he hasn’t eaten a single bite yet.

Finally Phil pries his eyes open, at that moment it feels like the biggest amount of exercise that has ever been done. He looks up at a freaked out Dan and starts to make up an excuse for lying on the carpet.

Relieved to see his friend conscious, even though he doesn’t appear to be planning on getting up, Dan sighs  “Phil? You’re alive! Do I need to call someone or something?”

Phil opens his mouth but he is not capable of pronouncing an actual word let alone a sentence. So instead he weakly lifts his hand up.

Dan crouches down from his awkward standing position and blinks at Phil's hand. “I’ll, uhm, take that as you being okay, mostly, I suppose. Shouldn’t you be getting up from the floor? Not that I’m judging.”

Phil raises his hand again, this time more urgently as if demanding Dan to do something.

Not really knowing what to do, Dan just sort of takes Phil's hand and looks at him expectantly.

Rolling his eyes and finally manages to croak out a sentence Phil whispers: “Could you like... pick me up?” almost too soft to hear.

“Uhm,” Dan starts, trying to lighten the mood, “Okay? Didn’t know you were into that, but sure.” He finishes his sentence with an overexaggerated wink.

At that Phil just sighs and raises both of his arms to make Dan fínally do something.

Grabbing Phil's other hand, Dan pulls his friend upright. Then he just sort of drags him towards the bed by his shoulders, bumping Phil’s feet into the threshold. Phil yelps as a surprised reaction to the sudden pain in his heels, as if his head wasn't enough.

“‘M sorry,” Dans mutters, and he just continues to get Phil closer to the bed. When they get there, he sighs. “I will actually have to get you ínto the bed, won’t I?”

“That seems to be the most logical thing to do, right?” Phil just wants to sleep, _why does Dan have to take forever?_

“Yeah, whatever.” Dan starts trying to get Phil onto his bed, which he probably finds more difficult than he should. Finally, he manages to do it. “Okay,” he hesitates, “should I leave now?”

Terrified of being alone Phil blurts out a ‘no’. Realising what he just said he starts rambling: “Oh.. uhm… I mean if you want to. It's okay though. I just… never mind.” Dan’s look makes him shut up.

“It’s fine, Phil. I can stay if you want me to.” He looks around the room awkwardly for some time, and sighs. “Is it okay if I lay down or something?”

“Oh yeah that's fine.” Phil smiles cutely and pats the spot on the bed next to him.

Slowly, Dan lays on his back next to Phil, staring at the ceiling. He honestly still has no idea what to do with himself.

Phil is hyperaware of Dan next to him but still closes his eyes in an attempt to sleep. He gives up after a couple minutes; “You can also like… lay under the duvet? It's much more comfortable, I guess.”

“Oh? Ehh, no need for that, I’m good.” Dan says, a bit defensively. He drags his eyes across the room again, and starts tapping his fingers on the bed. It’s a lot less satisfying if there’s no ticking noise. “Phil? Is it okay if I, ehm. Join you?”

“Hm?” Dan stopped his train of thoughts and Phil is slightly confused, “Oh yeah sure.” He lifts the end of the duvet as a gesture for Dan to move.

Awkwardly, Dan shuffles his way under the covers. He’s a bit more comfortable now, but the entire situation is still quite awkward.

This reminds Phil of when he and Dan had their first sleepover. They had both been so weird… To ease the atmosphere he puts  an arm around Dan’s middle.

The unexpected contact causes Dan to tense up, but he soon realises Phil is just trying to make the situation less awkward. He slowly mirrors the movement and reaches out to Phil.

Phil sighs and gently snuggles closer to Dan. He feels that Dan is tense so he decides to softly poke him in his side.

Feeling his friend poking him, Dan starts grinning lightly and pokes Phil back.

“Oh you didn’t…” Phil pokes back again, this time a bit harder.

“Tickle fight! I will battle you until my last breath!” Dan exclaims, and he starts poking Phil in earnest, trying to hold back his own laughter

Phil starts giggling and his tongue pokes out slightly. “I shall beat thou!”

“You will not!” Dan answers, not giving Phil even a second of reprieve, “You challenged me, and now you’ll have to bear the consequences!”

A tickle fight emerges from the two best friends until eventually Phil ends up beneath Dan and pants: “Okay I give up! I shall surrender. Bloody hell… my head hurts.” He immediately starts laughing again. _Well this is the opposite of every phanfiction…_

“I’ll grant you mercy. For now!” Dan lightly pants, and he flops down onto his back again, still laughing.

Phil snuggles back to Dan and entangles him like a koala. “‘S nice…”

“Yeah, nice.” Dan says. It’s a bit warm, with them both still having all their clothes on under the duvet, but it is kind of nice. “Oh god,” he suddenly blurts out, “What would the Phangirls say?”

The other starts softly giggling: “they wouldn't say anything, just scream.”

“True.” Dan agrees, “Luckily we didn’t record any of this, or some random person would’ve somehow found it and freaked out.”

“Yeah…” Phil starts yawning. “Do you mind if I uhm... take a nap?”

“Well, we are in the bed for a reason. Go ahead.” Dan also yawns.

“‘Night…” Phil puts his head in the crook of Dan’s neck and breathes in his smell. He wish everyday could be like this.

“Phil-” Dan says, freaking out a little, “Not. My. Neck. Cuddle whatever you want, but not that.”

A slight smirk plays around Phil’s lips. “Really? Anything?”

Dan shoves Phil's face away from his neck, “Hey, didn't you say you were going to sleep?”

“I'm sorry but this is so tempting! You're just so easy to tease.” Phil can’t help but giggle at Dan’s expression.

“Ugh” Dan grunts, “Go to sleep, sunshine. It’s bedtime.”

Phil snorts at Dan’s stupid nickname. It's not his fault that he is so nice, _most of the time…_ “Yeah, yeah…” he decides to put his head on Dan’s chest and he makes himself comfortable.

Shortly after, they both fall asleep. Dan still has no idea what exactly happened to Phil, but it can wait.

* * *

The first thing Dan does when he wakes up, is wonder where the hell he is. It’s strangely warm, almost uncomfortably so, but yet he really doesn’t want to get up. There’s a warm, hairy weight on his chest, and he can hear Phil breathing softly.

Oh. Right. He’s in Phil's room, after the guy passed out or something. He’d been peacefully almost eating his pizza, when he heard some strange stuff happening, which then lead to a tickle fight and finally, sleep.

He hadn’t started eating the pizza yet, though. He was about to, when he got sidetracked. That meant that the now cold pizza was probably still just sitting there, waiting to be eaten. That couldn’t be good. He should probably get rid of it, before it starts to stick to the box. He sighs disappointedly as he realises that means he has to get up. Well, it can’t be helped; he’s going to have to put effort into this.

When he walks over to the sofa, the pizza is luckily still there. It’s cold, but it still looks pretty edible. _Fuck it_ , Dan thinks, and he decides he’s hungry enough to eat cold pizza.

As he’s eating, he catches sight of the time. _Only 11:30? When did I start going to bed this early? What timezone has my body travelled to?_ Wondering what he should do, he gets rid of the now empty pizza box. _Would it be an okay thing to do to procrastinate sleep by editing my video?_ Dan wonders. _Ehh, probably. I’ve already slept more than I do on the average night._

For once, Dan actually does something productive during the evening, instead of sinking ever deeper into the sofa crease. Well, he still edits there, but… it’s slightly more useful. _Would it be weird to upload a video after 2 AM?_ He wonders when he’s finished. _Well… my fans wouldn’t exactly be shocked. Also, timezones. Let’s just do it._

Of course, youtube doesn’t care about anything except being slow, which it is. Obviously. Finally, the video does load, and Dan can publish it. It takes about two seconds flat for the first exasperated comment to ask what he’s doing uploading a video at 2:30 at night. He decides to clarify his midnight productivity with a tweet.

yes, i uploaded a video at like 3 am. fell asleep early, woke up and needed to do something with my time. somehow ended up being productive.

Exactly 140 characters. Feeling satisfied by his major accomplishment, Dan closes his laptop and decides he deserves maltesers. He doesn’t hesitate and instantly goes for it. Only to discover that he would have been almost out of them, if not for the new ones Phil recently bought.

After eating the maltesers, Dan quickly brushes his teeth. It might be a bit counterproductive, but whatever. When he walks out of the bathroom, he can’t help but notice he left Phil’s door slightly open. Walking over, he quickly closes it, but not before checking if Phil is still okay. Well, as okay as anyone can be after- whatever it was that had happened just a few hours ago. Dan really can’t help worrying about that, perhaps more than he should.

He contemplates getting into Phil's bed next to him again, but that seems really awkward and somewhat stalker-ish to do when his friend is sleeping. Hell, even this twilight-level staring probably defines as stalking. It’d be best to just go to his own bed.

Dan quietly closes the door, and walks over to his own room. He lays down on the bed - this time managing that without a full-blown tickle fight - and falls asleep relatively quickly after that.

* * *

 

Phil wakes up startled, he had such a weird dream… _Dan left him after a massive argument_ …  He decides to check if the is still there, but he turns his head too fast and is reminded of his headache and last night's activities. _Where is Dan?_ The space next to him is empty and cold. He briefly lays his head in the dip where Dan was, the only reminder of that fact is the dip and faintly Dan’s smell.

It seems like all the joy, happiness and love has left his body and has been replaced by the sadness that he has been grown all too familiar with. He misses his bear… He grabs his phone, not knowing what time it is. The bright light of his screen almost blinds him and when he has finally adjusted his eyes and grabbed his glasses he sees that it's just past 3am. Not bothering to check the almost 30 notifications he opens up youtube. Dan is probably asleep but he needs to hear his voice. Anything to fill up the void he is experiencing right now. Frowning at the fact that Dan uploaded a video just half an hour ago he taps it, not looking at the title. Dan’s ‘youtube voice’ echoes through his bedroom and immediately Phil feels like a humongous weight has been lifted of his shoulders.

But after a minute Phil is not laughing anymore, he has started to cry. Oh how he wished he had read the title. _Was Dan telling the truth? Did he really think that of him?_ All logic disappears from his mind and has been replaced by destructive emotions, emotions that leave Phil unable to breath, completely beaten raw.

When the video ends Phil has experienced more pain than he thought was possible. _My best friend hates me. Oh god…_ Phil frantically runs his hand through his hair. _What to do… who to talk to…_ normally Dan would have been the answer but he didn't care about him.

Nobody cared about him… The impact of that realisation makes a new sob rake through his body, he shivers and curls up in a ball under the duvet. Maybe he will suffocate, that would be better, anything would be better than this. Even feeling nothing, being completely numb. _Maybe I am better off dead…_ Phil’s thoughts scare him; sure everyone has thought about dying at some point but his mind is actually considering it, considering giving up. _I can't do that. I’m too scared, too weak._

Phil can feel another panic attack rise in his chest, his breath is shortening and everything just hurts for no reason at all. He decides to leave the house and get some fresh air, maybe that could calm him down a bit. Not even considering the option of worrying Dan by his action he searches for his shoes. After he has almost tripped over his own feet about three times he finally reaches the door, not bother to think of wearing a coat.

As he steps outside a cold gust of wind almost sweeps him of his feet. It feels like the air is freezing the tear tracks on his face. Everything just appears to hate him in this moment and he is just so tired… of trying and then failing. Of pretending to be someone he is not. Of wanting to finally be good enough and maybe even pretty.

Even at a time that he has so many other thoughts clouding his mind, somehow the voices always settle on his weight being the most important reason for everything that goes wrong. _If you would just be skinny everything would be fine. Dan hates you because you’re so disgustingly fat. No one would ever want to date you. You’re such a pig._ Phil doesn’t know what the point of attempting to be better is when you just keep miserably failing at everything.

He has one last hope; a pretty number for a not so pretty boy. Zero calories… Maybe that could fix all his problems. Maybe than Dan could care about him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected AN pun:
> 
> What would Dan have done with his life if he hadn’t become a youtuber?
> 
> He would have become a Dantist. *Padoom tsssh* we’ll leave


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter, unusually soon after the last one.   
> Quick warning about lots'a mentions about existential troubles, because how could Phil possibly feel far from amazing for an extended amount of time without it having any effect on Dan.  
> Enjoy~

“Phil? I’m eating a late breakfast.” Dan looks over at the clock. “Or- well, early lunch. Wanna join me?”

Phil looks up from his computer screen, quickly closing his browser in an attempt not to let Dan notice the thinspo he was looking at. _No. Say no! You don’t want food…_ “Ehm… No, thank you, Dan. I ate earlier.”

Dan shoots Phil a confused look. He’s pretty sure Phil didn’t get out of his bed early enough for something like that. His friend, however, is already looking back at his computer, and seems to be doing something. Dan frowns, _I haven’t seen Phil eat at all in recent history…_ _Did something happen? Is he getting ill?_ “If you say so.” he finally answers hesitantly, before he starts walking over to the kitchen.

As Phil sees the thoughtful look on Dan’s face he decides to explain himself further, “I’ve just been feeling a bit poorly lately. It’ll probably pass soon.”

“Okay, I hope so!” Dan says over his shoulder, and he leaves.

 

<<time skip>>

 

“Hey Phil, I know I ate pizza like two days ago, so would it be too weird to crave it again?” Dan just finished watching another youtube video on his binge tour through his subscriptions, when the sudden realization hits him that he really feels like pizza. Again.

Phil pulls out his headphones, “What? I’m sorry… What did you just say?” He looks up surprised at Dan, still faintly hearing Joey’s voice murmuring.

“Uhm, well, I know I had pizza recently, but you didn’t eat any, so I figured, maybe I could order pizza again?” Dan looks at Phil with a hopeful expression, “Unless you’re still ill… You’re okay, right?”

Realising how weird his scared expression would appear to Dan he clears his throat and carefully chooses his words, “I’m still not feeling so well... You can order some though! I’ll just make myself a salad I guess.”

“A salad?” That’d surprised Dan a bit. “Sure, if you say so. I’ll just.. go get that pizza. Or make a sandwich, if I feel too lazy to choose. Whatever.” He shrugs and stands up, looking at Phil expectantly. It’s weird, but some part of his mind thinks Phil’ll say something important.

Phil squirms uncomfortably in his seat when Dan’s piercing eyes look at him expectantly, they seem to demand an answer, a proper one this time. Almost. Phil is almost tempted enough to blurt everything out, from the mean comment to starving himself. But he decides to shut up, just like always. Being the quiet boy. “Yeah… okay.”

Wondering when the situation got so awkward, Dan looks away. “Sure.” It’s a really sad response, but there really isn’t anything else he can say, so he walks away.

 

<<time skip>>

 

A sharp jolt of pain forces Phil to wake up and his eyes fly open. He draws in a short breath as he grabs his tummy with both hands. It hadn’t hurt this bad the last four days. Sure, there have been moments when a stinging pain decides to be noticed by his brain but never this awful. He hisses as he removes the cover and tries to get up. Everything just drew more pain and Phil collapsed back on his bed.

_Need to get up. Dan needs to know I’m fine. I am fine. Completely fine. Just… Fake it. Oh fuck, it hurts. Beauty is pain darling, don’t you want to be beautiful?_

Phil tries again while soft whimpers escape from his lips.

_Why doesn’t it stop? Why doesn’t the world stop._ It seems like he has no purpose anymore and a unamused scoff leaves his lips, _since when did he become Dan?_

Phil tries to sit up again and groans due the never ending stabs caused by his refusal to eat. Biting his lips he finally is in a upright position on his bed and slowly moves his legs to the edge of the bed. As he has finally placed both of his feet on the bed he notices that this tiny exercise has already caused him to be out of breath and Phil decides to wait a minute while holding his head in his hands.

Is this really what he wants to become? Weak and unable to do anything? _Yes. Because after this you will be beautiful and strong and Dan will love you._ Phil snaps his head back up, _love him? Why would he want Dan to love him?_ Shaking his head he finally tries to actually stand up but the moment he is on his feet he regrets it, for the second time this week his vision turns black and Phil collapses.

 

* * *

 

Dan is sitting in the kitchen, eating some of his cereal. Lately, he hasn’t found it all that difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and hasn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the insignificance of himself and the inevitability of dea-

_Yeah, I should probably stop that train of thought right there. No need for an existential crisis, I mean, why would I ever have one of those? So many things I’d rather do with my time, other than contemplating the universe on the floor. Again._

The thing is, Dan’s starting to feel a bit lonely. Of course, there’s the phans, they never shut up, and never cease to amaze him, but…

Oh, who is he kidding. He misses Phil. The cute, positive ray of sunshine commonly populating the kitchen. Recently though, he seems to never even step foot in the room, if it’s not absolutely necessary. More than that, he spends an unusual amount of time on his own, and even if he’s there, he’s so tense, as if he’s trying to prove something.

Ugh, what does Dan know, this is probably just a sign he’s due for another one of his crisises. Crises. Extended periods of lying on the floor thinking about how little he matters, on the large, large scale of the entire universe, and how everything he does will eventually be forgotten by eve-

_You get the point_

All he knows is,

<< _“Dan, you ran out of cereal again! Get out of your bed, I know you’re awake! Come on, don’t just lay there doing nothing all day. You need to get new cereal!”_

_“Okay, Phil, it’s fine, everyone knows it’s yóú that ate my food, you can be honest about it. How about you get me new cereal, I’ll detach myself from my bed while you’re at it, and we’ll all forgive and forget, okay?”_

_“Well, I suppose that’s fair. But it wasn’t me! You ate your own cereal, Danny boy!”_

_Dan rolls his eyes, which Phil obviously can’t see, but he just can’t help it. ‘Danny boy’, really? >> _

eating breakfast cereal is a lot less interesting when he already knows how much there will be in the box before he opens it.

 

* * *

 

As the day goes on, the realization hits him that he hasn’t seen Phil eat anything at all. He politely and awkwardly, maybe even a little guiltily declines any offer of take-out, and claims that he’ll just eat something small. That something small does never seem to end op happening, though. Why hasn’t Phil been eating?

He’d said he’s feeling ill, which would be valid, but that was a few days ago. If Phil’s still feeling too shitty to eat anything, shouldn’t he check up with someone that knows stuff about human bodies and such?

And that still doesn’t explain the odd behaviour though. Why would Phil insist on being okay, when he’s very obviously not? Doesn’t he trust Dan at all? Or has he been subtly telling Dan that he needs help all along, getting increasingly desperate as time goes on?

_Probably that. I am such an idiot_ . _This has been going on for long enough, I better fix it now._

Determined to solve any and every problems with Phil, Dan walks over to his friends room. At the threshold, however, all his confidence just… vanishes. _I can do this. I can. Just checking to see if my best friend’s all right. Nothing unusual there. Just being a good friend…_

Taking a deep breath, he opens the door and looks inside the room.

“Phil? Are you okay? Phil?” but Phil keeps laying halfway on his bed, giving no reaction at all. His skin is sickeningly pale, even more so than usual, and his hair looks somewhat curly because of sweat. “What happened to you? You can’t tell me that. Obviously. Shit. Fuck. What do I do?”

Phil, of course, offers no advice. Dan is starting to get almost hysterical, not knowing what to do.

_Okay Dan, think. Your best friend isn’t conscious right now. What do you do? You... check if he's even breathing- please Phil be alive._

Filled with uncertainty and fear, Dan walks over to see. His knees almost buckle when he notices that yes- Phil’s chest is moving.

_He’s alive. That’s- that’s a start. Do I call- yeah sure who cares, I’ll call that free medical health thing. I care though. I really, really care. Phil, please-_

“Free UK health service, I’m Luke.” a guy’s voice says, “What's the matter?”

“Well for the last few days, my friend has been acting really strange, and he never eats pizza with me anymore, and- I’m worried, and-” Dan immediately start rambling.

“What's the immediate problem, sir?” the person on the phone interrupts.

“He- I don’t think he’s been eating at all, and I don’t know why. What if it’s my fault? What if-”

“What's his current condition?”

“Oh, right, current condition, he’s, he’s unconscious. What do I do?” Realizing how useless he’s been, Dan tries to steady his breathing and get himself under control.

“Have you checked his breathing and pulse?”

“He, he’s breathing, at least. Pulse? I haven’t- do I need to check his pulse?”

“Okay, could you please check and time it?”

“Ehm, okay, I can do that, yes.” Dan manages to do that quickly enough. _Thank god for adrenaline._ The knowledge of what to do helps him calm down a little, but that fades quickly. “That’s, that’s about 55, I think. Is that okay? Will he be okay?”

“Well… what are his age and physical state?”

“He’s 30, and uhh, physically unconscious. That’s, ehh, I mean, he’s… not very fit, but, fine? Or he used to be, before he just… passed out.”

“It's a bit too low but nothing drastic. He is probably dehydrated and might be slightly malnutritious.”

“Uhm, okay. So what do I do now?” Dan still sounds worried, but there’s some relief creeping into him that Phil doesn’t have cancer or something equally horrible.

“Try to wake him up and get him to drink and eat something. Check on him regularly.”

“I… I should make sure he…? Okay, I can do that, I can… I can.” Dan gently shakes Phil’s shoulder, “Phil? Wake up. Please. I need you to wake up. Please.”

No reaction. Dan shakes his friend's shoulders again, but to no avail. Dan refuses to give up so soon, and keeps asking Phil to please wake up.

“Will you be okay, sir? I have another incoming call I need to address?”

Finally, he runs out of energy and collapses onto the bed next to Phil.

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.” _What point is there to any of this anyways. He, Phil, and this phone person are all going to die someday, no matter what they do._

_What do I do? What can I do? How can I do anything meaningful if Phil isn’t there to help?_

Without Phil, he’s just a useless bit of matter in a so very large universe. One day the sun will explode, and take the earth and anything humanity has done there with it, so why bother doing anything? He has about as much meaning as the tears leaving a wet spot on the bed. None at all.

_Oh shit. Phil, I’m so, so sorry._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggerwarning: suicidal thoughts and trichotillomania (hair pulling as in self harm) and, of course, the good ol’ existential thoughts. Stay safe people!

_ I should move. Get up. Do something- anything, really. I can make a difference. I know I can. All I need to do is try. Start by standing up. It’s as easy as that. _

_ Dan will love you. He will love you if you're thin, when you're finally perfect.  _ Phil hasn't been able to enjoy his little ‘nap’; when he started to slowly become aware of his surroundings, he also became aware of his intrusive thoughts. And his hunger. 

_ No- why would I. It’s all pointless anyway. Why bother. Everything I do is going to be forgotten. Nothing will ever be able to change that. _

_ You fat bitch… Can't do anything right, not even lose weight. Get up. Go to the scale. FACE IT! You're a fucking whale, no one wants to see you like this. C’mon, get up! At least open your eyes or are you thát useless?  _

_ Stop. Don’t think like that. That only leads to disaster. Dan, get your shit together right now, Phil needs you. But then, what difference does it make? No, Dan, stop it. I’ve been through this too many times already, no need for a repeat performance. Why can’t I just function like a normal human being? _

Phil opens his eyes a bit but doesn't see anything. Everything is blurry…  _ and white? My head feels funny, where even am I? Wait, what's tickling my nose?  _ Phil's eyes fly open and he can make out a blurry face,  _ Dan's face? _

_ Okay, how about this. If I am so very insignificant as my brain seems to insist I am, why can’t I move an even more insignificant distance and stand up? That’s like… asking an elephant to move a grain of salt. Literally can’t get any easier than that. Start by, opening your eyes, or something. Just a simple muscle movement. I can do that. _ Opening his eyes, somehow, Dan tries to process what exactly he’s seeing. “Phil?”

Phil let's out a startled squeak,  _ what is Dan doing here? Wait, did he - he must have.  _ “Dan? What are you doing here?” He softly asks, his voice a bit scratchy.

Temporarily forcing all his existential problems to the back of his mind, Dan tries to recollect what landed him in this situation. “Phil! I- eh... “ Dans eyes widen in realisation, “You passed out, again! Phil, what’s going on? Have you even been eating? Are you okay?”

Phil swallows the lump that has been building up in his throat and desperately tries to reassure his friend: “I - I was just sleeping Dan! What do you think you're -”, suddenly he stops, “have you been crying? Are you okay!?” He will do anything to avoid talking about his ‘problems’.

“ _ I’m _ okay? Phil, I’m not the one that looks like a walking corpse!” Dan snaps, “Will you stop avoiding me and just… talk to me? I don’t know what’s happening and-”

Phil won't let Dan finish though. Clasping a hand around his mouth in order to muffle the pathetic sob that he was about to let out, he jumps up and runs. He runs because that's the only thing he's good at, the only thing that he knows how to do. Ignoring the pain in his stomach, his muscles, his heart,  _ because how could Dan say something like that? Did he - does he really not care?  _ He is gone. Away from the rude words, avoiding the truth.  _ Just a goner, a sick goner. _

“Phil? Phil, don’t run away!” Not knowing how to react, Dan sits up and watches his friend bolt. “Phil, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you. Please come back? I’m just worried about you!” he says hopelessly, even though he knows Phil can’t hear. He’s long since escaped into the bathroom.

Finally locking the door behind him after 5 attempts - because his stupid mind couldn't get his hands to stop shaking. He breaks down,  _ fully  _ down. It seems that his body has an unlimited amount of sobs and tears, all caused by his friend, his best friend at that.  _ God, I am so pathetic... _

Finally standing up and following behind Phil, Dan hesitates as he nears the bathroom door.  _ Phil doesn’t want me here. Should I even do this? _ Blankly staring at the doorknob, he tries to make sense of the confusing mess forming his thoughts.  _ Phil obviously want to be alone, but up until now that has only lead to disaster. If I want this to change, I have to do something. It’s worth it, right? It has to be. If this has no meaning, nothing does, and I don’t want to believe there is no point to anything. _

_ Is there? _

Phil leans back against the door, slowly lowering his hand and letting the sound of his cries echo through the bathroom. After a while he slumps down and is seated with his back pressed against the door, he just feels so  _ alone. Why does it have to hurt? I mean… it's only in my head? But my heart feels like it's getting ripped into two. _

Before he realizes what happened, Dan finds himself sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, still blankly staring at the door. It seems like almost too much effort to even remember what’s so particular about the bathroom door at that moment, but the soft sobs audible through it tell him everything he needs to know. “Phil?” he weakly says, with no real energy behind the words, “I’m sorry, Phil, please don’t run. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Suddenly Phil hears a muffled sound from behind him, as he finally processes what it is, he whimpers softly and hugs himself in an useless attempt to protect him from the soft but wounding words.  _ Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY? WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?  _

Nothing, nothing but a pause in Phil's sobbing, Dan finally and completely deflates, all resistance draining from his body.  _ Okay. That’s fine. After all, there is little to no worth to me. Phil has no reason to want me here anyways.  _ “Th-that’s fine. I won’t bother you if you don’t want me to. I’ll just-” searching just about anywhere he knows where to find it for energy, Dan fails spectacularly in physically leaving. “...I’ll just be here, doing nothing. It’s fine if you want to ignore me.”

_ No! Please don't leave me. Dan I need you! _ Phil turns to his side while the excruciating pain decides to resurface again. While sobbing softly he presses his body against the door in an attempt to be closer to the soft voice at the other side.  _ He will leave you though. He will leave you because you're fat, because you're disgusting, crazy and above all; you mean nothing. You are nothing. _

Incapable of doing anything to help, Dan is forced to listen to the muffled sounds of Phil’s cries. “Phil, I know I should probably shut up, but please come out? Talk to me? I want to help, but I don’t know how. If you don’t want me here, say so, at least?” 

_ Shut up… Shut up… Shut up… Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! Leave me alone!  _ “Leave me alone! Please… I'll - I'll do anything...”  _ You know what people like you deserve, they deserve to die, to bleed like the pathetic pig you are.  _ The voice in his head fills up all the place. Phil grips his hair and starts to pull it in an insane attempt to stop this voice in his head.   _ To the butcher? Would you like that?! Of course you would… freak. Just giving up like always. I could be your butcher, just give me a knife.  _ Phil’s eyes widen in pure terror he pulls his hands covered in his hair away and looks at them in disgust.  _ How did this happen? This isn't me… _ He slams his hand against the door in pure frustration, the pain in his hand distracts him from the one in his heart.

_ Phil?  _ violently flinching, moreso from the idea of his friend not wanting him there, than the actual thump against the door, Dan feels the wall press into his back. It seems to be the only solid thing in the world, not on the border of collapse. “Okay…” he breathes, the word coming out far too soft and weak for Phil to hear it. “Okay. That- That’s okay.” he tries again, a bit louder this time.

_ Oh no.  _ That one word makes Phil snap out of his spiral of self-destructive.  _ What did I do? Everything just seems to always, always go wrong when I'm there.  _ “Dan, no! I didn't - I didn't mean you…” His voice cracks multiple times after being abused by the harrowing sobs.

Wide-eyed and confused, Dan tries to make sense of the situation.  _ As if any of this makes any sense at all…  _ “Phil? Is there- is there someone else in there?” _ No of course there isn’t, there can’t be. Unless that slam against the door meant something…  _ “What’s going on? I don’t understand!”

Phil crawls into a ball as he realises what he has said.  _ Dan must think I'm crazy…  _ “N-no one is here, Dan… W-why would you think that?” 

Dan’s confusion only grows, as his worry for his friend becomes almost too much to bear. “I- okay. Could you… unlock the door? Can I come in?” His voice sounds pitifully small and tiny.  _ When did I become the one feeling so very small. _

These simple questions start a battlefield in Phil's head of yes’s and no’s but before he can become overwhelmed by them he reaches his left hand out and turns the lock. A loud click indicates that he has finally let all his walls down. Phil shuffles away from the door and now sits against the edge of the bathtub.

Barely capable of breathing, and somehow scared that any second, Phil will change his mind and lock himself in again, Dan stands up and slowly reaches for the door handle.  _ Phil please, please, please be okay. _ He opens the door a fraction, terrified of what he might find on the other side. _ Please _ . Staring at the floor, Dan quickly closes the door and sinks to the ground. He closes his eyes trying to collect himself enough to look up.

Phil looks ashamed as he hears Dan’s soft footsteps close the gap between him and after he takes a deep breath he is met with the sight of an absolutely emotionally drained Dan. And Phil just feels  _ terrible. I did this? Yes, you did. It's your fault… But you know the solution, right? I'm the butcher, darling, I will free you. _

Finally, Dan looks up at Phil. And frankly, silently starts crying. Phil looks as pale as he did when he was unconscious, but he now has fresh tear tracks running down his face. Not only that, his eyes look so very devoid of the life normally filling them. Dan can barely recognize him anymore. “Phil…?”

And Phil just starts crying again, even though he thought he had run out of tears by now. He can't stomach the thought of Dan feeling so bad. While sniffing he reaches his arms out. He just wants a hug,  _ dammit. _

Blinking owlishly, Dan just stares. At this point, he’d do anything for Phil, but a hug just seems too meaningless to change something that caused so many emotions inside of him.  _ Well, what other ideas do I have? _ He reaches forward, reaches towards Phil, and finally pulls him into a hug. Only then does he realize how much he, too, needed this.

Finally Phil is engulfed by Dan's gentle but strong arms, he wraps his arms tightly around his best friend’s waist as an unspoken promise to never let go again. “I'm so sorry, Dan. I'm so, so sorry, Bear… Can - can we ever go back to normal again?”

Dan just sighs, impossibly happy that Phil is here,  _ he really is, he’s not going to leave, _ but also still incredibly sad that this happened at all. “Normalness leads to sadness, Lion. A wise person once said that. You.” he almost whispers into Phil's ear.

If even possible, Phil clasps Dan even closer and just wants to stay in this moment forever. “Dan? Will you leave me? I mean - I'm such a mess… D-do you hate me, because of this? Because of everything?”

Dan only tightens his grip on Phil, silent tears still dripping down his face. “I could never hate you, Phil. I don’t care how much of a mess you are, I’m always going to be there if you need me. I’ll stay with you until you die, if you just let me.”

A soft whisper, almost inaudible, leaves Phil's lips involuntarily: “I love you, Bear. I'll try to stay, for you.” Phil feels himself starting to doze off, just awake enough to hear Dan’s response. 

Eyes widening, vision blurry, completely overwhelmed by the warmth of Phil’s body against him and the words he can’t believe he just heard, Dan just breathes for a moment. “Phil… I love you too.” Dan buries his face in Phil's shoulder, trying to believe that this isn’t a dream,  _ this is actually happening, Phil- Phil is here, right in front of me, and he’s not going to leave. Whatever the problem could really be, I don’t know, but at least I can try to solve it without fearing that I’m just going to end up alone. Phil loves me. And I just told him that I love him back. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN:  
> P: if that wasn't emotional than idk…   
> D: welp… first chapter consisting of only one gargantuan scene. That was an emotional roller-coaster  
> P: it was worth it!!! right…?  
> D: I say yes. To them readers: hope you enjoyed, the next chapter (toll, wat about the next chapter?) ehm… nevermind. Please leave comments, kudos, anything, it’s one amazing motivation to keep writing. Thanks for reading~  
> P: ^ all the love! stay alive, stay grand, stay gay… byeee


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I resurrected this one from the dead

As soon as the magic of the moment disappears, Dan is faced with the reality of the situation. Phil has fallen asleep again, and he hasn’t eaten anything. The rumbling in his stomach reminds Dan of what he was originally supposed to do.

_He is falling, he is tumbling down and there is no one catch him. He is surrounded by a beacon of white light and Phil can't help but wonder if this is the end. Is he going to die now? After finally owning up to it. After finally confessing something he has known for years. This is over dramatic, even for him._

_And then there is nothing. Nothing but the choking oblivion surrounding him, pressing up to him even though it's just air. He shouldn't be afraid. But he is terrified. As if a trapdoor has opened beneath him, he falls again but this time surrounded by the everlasting darkness. He never understood why Dan loved black so much and was afraid of the dark at the same time. But the oblivion somehow was beautiful. Beautiful because it was nothing. He wanted to be nothing, so thin that there was nothing left._

“Phil?” Dan almost breathes, their faces so close together that that should be enough to be heard. Phil’s only movement is his eyes rapidly moving beneath his eyelids. “Are you dreaming, Phil?” Dan softly brushes his hair away from his eyes, but they remain closed. “I hope you’re not having a nightmare…”

_This time he landed on a black field. He was in some sort of park, but everything was black and grey, like the life was sucked out of it. Phil turned around and there stood Dan… But it wasn't Dan?_

_Phil started walking up to him and the closer he got he started to notice the wounds that littered his body. Some still bleeding, others jet-black like they were painted. It just didn't make sense. “Dan? Is that - Dan, are you really here? What happened?” Dan opened his mouth but instead of an answer a gush of blood came out of his mouth and painted the black grass red. Phil screamed and turned around, running from his friend just like he did an hour ago._ His eyes fly open and before he knows it, he is screaming out loud.

“Phil?!” Dan almost screams too, trying to be heard over the sound echoing through the bathroom. “Phil! Nothing happened! It was just a nightmare!”

Out of instinct Phil grabs Dan again and holds him close while he sees the images of his nightmare flash before his eyes again. “Dan! You're alive, right? You were bleeding, Bear. You were dead!”

“Whoa- what? I’m fine, Phil, and very much alive. Whatever it is you saw, it wasn’t real.” Dan says, holding Phil a bit tighter as well. _Oh Phil… what is happening to you?_

Not being completely reassured by Dan's answer, Phil wraps himself loser around Dan's waist and is now practically sitting in his lap while clinging to him like a koala. _He is here. His heart is beating, there are no cuts and he is warm and alive._

Dan, a bit surprised, just goes with it and continues to hug Phil. Time passes, as Phil keeps reassuring himself Dan is there, _he’s alive, he isn't going to leave as long as I won't let him go. Literally._ Phil giggles to himself and Dan just looks at him in confusion.

 

  Δ

 

“Phil?” Dan finally breaks the silence, “You’re cutting of the circulation in my legs. If you get off, I’ll ehh.. make you tea?”

“No… I don't wanna move. You're too comfortable.” Phil cuddles closer until Dan gently pushes him away so they can look at each other. “Okay then, but only if you carry me!”

“Phil, please,” Dan sighs, “You and I both know that’s not going to happen.”

At that Phil pouts but gently untangles himself from Dan and shuffles back until he is seated on the cold tiles again. _Dammit… Dan was way warmer. I just - I just want him to be close. Does that make me annoying?_ “So…. tea?”

“Yeah. Tea.” As Dan stands up, his bones wildly protest having sat on the floor for so long. “Let’s do this on the couch next time.” Only then does he realize what he said. _What next time…?_

Phil smiles wildly and his whole face glows up, “maybe in ten minutes? When we have tea, I mean, only if you want to though. Well, you kind of proposed it so…” He just rambles on as his tries to get up, completely forgetting how much his stomach hurts.

“Ehm… sure. Let’s just get that tea first.” Dan says, a bit unsure of the situation. He holds put a hand to Phil, and smiles a bit uncertainly.

Phil grabs his hand enthusiastically and starts to pull himself up until the excruciating pain starts. Phil lets go and falls down while grabbing his stomach with both of his hands.

“Phil?” Dan crouches down to Phil’s level, instantly worried. Again. “Are you okay?” _No he isn’t, can’t you see that?_

Phil tries and fails to smile reassuringly, “It's just my stomach. I think it'll pass though. Please don't worry, Bear.” _it has been hurting like this for the past 2 days, it really can't be any good…_

 _I’m supposed not to worry? How could I possibly do that?_ “What do you need me to do? How do I help?”

“Just some tea is fine, Dan.” _I'll Google it all later. Hopefully it's nothing permanent._ Phil reaches out his hand again, “C’mon Dan, help me up!”

Grabbing Phil’s hand, Dan pulls him up again. “You sure? There’s nothing else?” _Anything to make you feel better, Phil._

Phil groans as he finally stands up while clutching his stomach with his free hand, “stop worrying so much. I'll be fine!” _Or not._ They both walk to the kitchen slowly while Phil doesn't even think of letting Dan's hand go.

Confused but unbothered by Phil holding his hand, Dan hesitates. “Do you wanna sit down while I make tea? Or ehm- not.”

“I'll just find myself a nice spot in the sofa crease!” Phil walks to the living room slowly, attempting not to show any signs of discomfort or pain on his face. _Tea. Zero calories. That's okay…. I can do this. Please don't bring any cookies, Dan._

Dan, in the kitchen, starts nervously tapping the counter while waiting for the water to boil. _Should I bring anything? Or just tea? Phil- he needs to eat something, but I don’t want to push…_ The water starts boiling. _Way to procrastinate until life makes your decisions for you._ Dan gets out two mugs, and soon after walks into the living room.

As Dan walks into the room Phil looks up and smiles in fondly, Dan looks adorable while trying not to drop anything, his forehead slightly wrinkled in absolute determination. “Thanks, Dan.” Phil says softly as Dan puts down the mugs.

“Not a problem.” Dan answers, and he sits down next to Phil. Unsure of how much distance to keep, he leaves quite a gap between the two of them. “So…”

Phil interrupts Dan: “Could you grab me one of the blankets?”

“Sure. Which one?” Dan then continues to grab every single blanket in the room and gives all of them to Phil.

As Phil giggles softly while he points to the massive soft, pink blanket. “That one. It's so comfortable!”

“Okay,” Dan says as he throws all the other blankets onto the floor, “Why is it pink, again?”

“Because equality, Dan. Since when are you determined that colours have a gender?” Phil looks at the other blankets with a sad expression, “Sorry to all of you. Maybe next time.”

“I wasn’t talking about that. Why is it so bright and happy-looking? Why isn't it black?” Dan sighs, “Although you did buy it, so I guess it was to be expected.”

Phil looks down and plays with the edges of the blanket, “because we need some brightness in our life right now…” the events that he has been trying to ignore finally need to be addressed.

 _That got philosophical all of a sudden_. “I guess you’re right. Is there… anything else you need?” Dan attempts to take a sip of his tea, only to discover that it is still far too hot.

“Could I like, maybe, if you're comfortable with it… like get a hug?” His cheeks are blushing fiercely and Phil's voice is so quiet at the end that Dan almost couldn’t hear him.

Dan is a bit slow to react, and sets down his mug. “Sure? I don’t mind. I’d give you a hug any day. On which you want one, that is. You know what I mean.”

“I do. And I always want a hug from you.” At that Phil's cheeks turn even redder if possible.

“Ehm, okay.” Dan awkwardly inches closer to Phil on the couch, unsure how to start. _Why am I so bad at this._

Phil notices Dan hesitation and decides to be the bold one, he pulls Dan  closer and tucks his chin under Dan’s head. _This is so nice. Can I just stay here forever?_ “You're so comfortable, Bear.”

“Umm, thanks?” Dan wraps his arms around Phil as well. _Right now he seems to be perfectly fine, if a bit koala-ish. If I hadn’t seen what happened earlier with my own two eyes…_ “Phil, when you… woke up. Why’d you run into the bathroom?”

Phil swallows the lump that seems to be stuck in his throat, “You… you snapped at me…” he scowls at himself for sounding so weak and desperate.

“I…” Dan remembers, thinking back to what happened, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you, I was mad at… myself, I guess. Sorry.” _Should I… ehh, guess I can’t screw this up more than I already have._ Dan quickly kisses Phil on the forehead, then looks away, his cheeks slowly reddening.

 _Wait. What?_ Phil's mouth falls open in an expression of utter surprise. He raises his hand slowly and touches the spot where those lips just connected with his skin. His cheeks also turn bright red. “Dan…”

“Was that… weird? I- I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that out of nowhere.” _Why am I such an idiot? Why would I do something like that?_

“No! I mean… No it wasn't weird. And - I kind of liked it? I wouldn't mind - it happening again?” Phil's hand remains on his forehead as he looks at Dan with disbelief. _Did that happen? Did that actually happen? Oh dear…_

Dan blinks slowly and stares a bit a Phil after finally realising he looks like a bumbling buffoon and decides to just ignore this rather peculiar situation. “Try to get some sleep please… You need to rest. And after that, food.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eh... hi? are you still interested in this story? My co-writer isn't here anymore... but eh... would you like for me to continue this trainwreck?
> 
> Thanks for reading this ^^


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